Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
