well I can't set my house on fire every night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
