My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
