How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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