I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize