YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
