Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
