Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
