Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
