She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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