We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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