i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
