I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
