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Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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