i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
