U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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