if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
