I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Randomize
