saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
where are my pants?
in the oven.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
