My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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