I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
