I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
