wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
