Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
