Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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