bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize