This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
