Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
