Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
