onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize