why didn't you poke me back
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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