college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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