Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
