Will you blow on my dice?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
