Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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