Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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