i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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