Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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