Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
