my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
