none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
