In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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