take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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