sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
