she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
