I just cut my nipple shaving
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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