just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
