I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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