HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
