so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
