i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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