I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
