his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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