Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
