sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
