I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
